PeNsIvE

A month ago, I saw a poster of Mountain View Reads Together at the vegetarian restaurant we go to Garden Fresh. The recommended read was Malcolm Gladwell’s Blink . I’ve read his other book The Tipping Point before and I loved it which got me really curious about this one. Yeah, yeah…I know you’re curious what we’re doing at the vegetarian restaurant?!? Ok, sometimes, we eat at that restaurant when we cannot think of anything to cook. Believe it or not, their Vegetarian Chicken Curry is good, yeah I still find it funny everytime I think about it. Oh by the way they use soy glutein as meat substitute, so its really healthy and they serve it with brown rice too.

Anyway, back to my story…

Bobby and I always go to Borders or Barnes & Noble after dinner when we have nothing to do at home. We usually just stay there for 2 to 3 hours reading books and/or magazines. Recently, I’ve been looking for Blink and for 3 times it has been out of stock. It would take me at least 20 minutes looking for it. It kinda dawned on me that there were thousands of books at the store, why was I wasting my time looking for that one book they didn’t have?! For some time, I just stopped looking for it…and read other books instead. When it was finally available, it didn’t turn out to be as good as I was hoping it was gonna be.

I know this is a bit of a stretch, but I kinda realized, most of the time, we always ache for the things we do not have. It keeps us blind from seeing that we do have everything else — minus that thing we’ve been looking for.

I think maybe God intended that nobody gets everything they want. Otherwise, what else will we have to live for? I’m not saying that we should stop dreaming — I also believe He gave us that ability to dream so we can learn to aim high or higher.

I think nothing explains my thoughts better than the the Serenity Prayer: "God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."

Discernment is our biggest challenge in preventing ourselves from dwelling in disappointment nor settling for something less than what we can achieve. As they say, life is what we make it — which means our happiness is all in our hands. Life is too short. Don’t waste it.

Whoever coined the term "morning" sickness should be blamed for giving false expectations…that’s like false advertising. If it happens any time of the day, they should not call it that!

Yeah I think I spoke too soon about not having much morning sickness in my first trimester. I am currently in my 16 weeks of pregnancy and I still have episodes almost everyday. Although I guess it is triggered by some kinds of foods, which weirdly I normally would have loved.

Cheetos, cheese puffs, sunflower seeds I really love but for some reason, wait less than an hour and it just makes me sick. Fish is also something I thought I cannot give up coz I love fish but now it’s just too difficult to eat. I even hate my prenatal vitamin coz one of the capsules tastes like fish, yuck…even if it says no fish oil…but that I can’t not take so I guess nothing I can do there.

Right now, I always crave for In N Out french fries —  usually that becomes my midnight snack. hehehe Yummy! I can finish the whole thing, supposedly, it’s not a very good snack — what are they saying?!? I think it’s very good! — coz it’s all carbs so Bobby throws in a vanilla milkshake para daw may protein hehehe Right now, I’m not too worried about gaining weight coz I haven’t gained any yet but my tummy is already HUGE. I’m at 4 months and probably I’ve just gained 2 pounds so far…I was already overweight when I started with pregnancy, so I guess I’m losing my weight as the baby grows, it doesn’t show though — taba pa din hehehe

I’ve mentioned this to our nutritionist and OB coz I was a bit worried and they said that I am doing great, so nothing to worry about. They graph the weight gain every time we come in for a check up. With my starting weight I’m supposed to only gain 20 to 25 lbs at most.

We just had our AFP2 screen test last Friday, we’ll find out the results in 2 weeks. Hopefully the results are good.

With all the difficulties of pregnancy, everybody says its all worth it. Don’t worry I believe all of you — there is also happiness and joy that comes with it — and we’re really excited and psyched about every part of this experience.

I guess folks have been wondering why I haven’t had any update since my last blog. And with the title of this post, you’ll understand why. At the 8th week (Dec. 11), we found out that one of the babies had stopped growing at 6th week and did not have a heartbeat…

Our ultrasound at 5 weeks showed both babies, with the other one barely making the range. It was why my OB had us come back for another ultrasound at 8 weeks. They wanted to make sure both babies are growing fine.

For twins, they ask you to schedule a 2 hour session coz it’s kinda like doing 2 ultrasounds…they need to make sure they have enough time to be thorough.  Although the weeks before, I had already been having dreams about one of the babies not growing, I didn’t think much of it — after all it’s just a dream — it never occured to me what the radiology doctor was going to say. The ultrasound technician didn’t say anything, she just went on normally with one of the fetuses, did the normal measuring and checking of the heartbeat. Then did the other one, with just frame stopped and left the room. Nothing in her face suggested that there was something wrong. It was all done in about 45 minutes. She left the room and said the doctor will come in to give us the results. When the doctor came in, she had somewhat of a smile on her face or maybe so I thought. Then she started saying: "Fetus B is at a perfect size 10 weeks 3 days old. And good strong heartbeat." then went on without pausing "However, fetus A doesn’t have a heartbeat" she continued on mentioned a few more things which I no longer minded and said "do you have any questions?" At the back of my mind, even if I wanted to ask her a lot of things I just wanted her to leave. I think Bobby asked her something but I was no longer paying attention. It was just too hard trying not to cry in front of someone I just met that day. Finally she left and I just burst into tears. I think we stayed longer in the ultrasound room just to wait for me to stop crying than how long the ultrasound actually took, I’m sure that wasn’t true but that’s how long it felt like. I kept telling Bobby maybe they just didn’t look hard enough that’s why they didn’t see the other heartbeat to the point of asking him maybe we should get another ultrasound even if we had to pay for it. Though I know the moment they put the sensor on, they already know how many heartbeats there are. It’s just too hard to accept and too much to take in. I was crying like a baby, I can see Bobby was also devastated but he was just trying to calm me down. The walk going out of the ultrasound office was just embarrassing I thought — in the waiting area, you see couples with smiles on their faces coming out of their appointments but there I was my eyes were just red from crying. I guess it was too obvious to the other patients what had happened seeing my face like that.

Our OB’s office is downstairs, normally wait time is a while, especially since our appointment wasn’t until 4:30pm and the ultrasound finished an hour earlier than expected. But the moment we stepped in she immediately called us in.

She told us a lot of things which at that time, I didn’t really understand but it did make sense eventually. Bobby asked her if it had to do with nutrition, if the baby wasn’t getting enough nutrition and she said your food intake is being monitored by a nutritionist, you are eating healthier than before, it isn’t the reason. The nutritionist doesn’t only monitor if you are taking in more than you should, they also monitor if you are taking less than what you should and the right kinds of food. I am seeing a nutritionist since I failed the glucose tolerance test. They ask you to track down all the meals you took, blood sugar checks 4 times a day, ketone checks daily, 6 meals instead of 3 huge main meals. They ask you to add more kinds of foods needed when they see your list lacks certain kinds of food. I tell you, Filipino foods are just hard to jot down, lots of carbs — lahat may rice, and very little green veggies. The nutritionists already know about it, siguro madami na din sila patients na Pinoy before.

My OB  also said, this happens more often than people find out about. Most pregnancies start out as twins but since ultrasounds are normally done at the 10th and 12th week timeframe, people don’t even know they had twins — it’s called the Disappearing Twin Syndrome, I read about it on the internet 2 weeks before the appointment when I was having those bad dreams but I tried dismissing it coz that wasn’t what I wanted to read about at the time when I was already anxious about my pregnancy. We had our first ultrasound at 3 weeks, they even wouldn’t say I am pregnant coz it was too early. Only the 5th week ultrasound when the sacs are clearly visible did they say we were pregnant and with twins.

I took a week off from work, primarily because I didn’t/couldn’t talk to anyone about what happened it was too painful then. I guess it still is now. I can still remember how I felt when we found out about it. But one of the best things my OB said was: "Cry about it tonight, but tomorrow, move on…there is another life depending on you". In my mind at that time I was just thinking can you really do that? Apparently time heals all wounds…

Most of our friends have been emailing me and asking how the pregnancy is doing…I apologize for not emailing back, it’s just too hard to tell this story over and over.

The other reason I wanted to move on is that, we have been waiting a long time for this pregnancy and the longer I cry over our loss, I would lose the opportunity of being happy and excited about our other baby — that’s kinda unfair to my other baby I guess. I’m sure though that this baby will just be doubly loved — that’s the least we can do.

For most of our closest families and friends, this news is no longer surprising — most of them have already been shocked, if not twice, as Bobby and I were. I know I haven’t blogged for about over a year now not necessarily for lack of trying but mainly having nothing really interesting to write about.

As most of you know, we’ve been married for a while, going 5 years now and so typical of Filipino families, or maybe families in general, the pressure of "when are you planning to have kids" immediately follows the wedding bells. Which if maybe you were in my shoes your ears would have bled by now.

Here and there, I would hear someone getting pregnant, even younger than me — there wasn’t any pressure until I realized I am already 29 years old and almost a majority of my friends who have been married after I did are already pregnant or have kids already. Yup, the clock is ticking. I’ve always thought I would eventually have kids — I’ve always seen myself eventually becoming a mom, I just never knew when it was gonna happen.

We always tease Kamille that she was ordered from Costco, and that she should help me make my order — coz they always run out of stock. Finally, they got stock!!! Or should we say there were multiple stocks available and we got 2!!! hehe O ayan ha!? I’m being a bit more explicit — most of the folks we told didn’t realize immediately that it is a "double" blessing, most of them were too excited to hear about the pregnancy news alone and didn’t get to read through the rest of our announcement card.

Bobby and I are a little bit worried about finances and about being ready and being able to take care of 2 babies, but I’m sure God will provide and will help us be great parents. Both Bobby and I have lived with limited means our whole lives, not poor but not rich either, but we turned out okay. In fact, I’m more worried about being able to give my kids everything than being able to provide them with less. I want my kids to have the same aspirations and fulfillments as I had — most kids I’ve seen who do not seem to value what they have —even when they already have everything are those who’ve been spoon fed everything. I’d want my kids to know know that getting a Barbie doll, an iPod or an xBox is a huge thing. And I’d like them to know what a great feeling it is to purchase your own car — not because it is a cool make or new model, but because they’ve earned it.

Believe it or not, I’ve always thought everything I got in life was hard earned — nothing was easy — I always had to work for it or wait for a long time. Sometimes the struggle is frustrating, but I always realize in the end that it just makes it sweeter, and the apreciation is much more.

I’ve always been clueless about biology — I still do not know where our hair and finger nails come from, which trully makes this "twin miracle" really astonishing for me. God’s engineering and design is really unbelievable. I know they are developing in my tummy — for at least 32 weeks — the doctor said to prepare for delivery earlier since they’re a twin.

I haven’t had a lot of morning sickness yet, just a couple of times so far. I was thinking it’s more frequent but maybe it’s just too early at this point. Sleeping is the thing I find difficult at this point.  I’m sleepy so early which I love coz I usually stay up late at nights coz I can’t sleep — but then finding a position to sleep in is quite challenging. By the time I find a good position, it’s time to pee. Oh well.

Anyway, hopefully I can continue to blog as my tummy grows to keep you all updated. Please join me and Bobby in waiting for the storks to deliver our little angels and in praying that they have a safe trip.

I just heard from the radio the other day that people who don’t have good friend and family ties are more likely to have dementia.

Ok, I didn’t mean to scare everyone (including myself) but isn’t that just reason enough to keep in touch?!

Moral Lesson: Post blogs more often and keep your sanity and your memory sharp.

Let me just go ahead and greet you all a belated Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!!  The holidays have come and gone and it feels so weird that I miss it already. Somehow this year’s holiday season was quite a bit different from previous years’ and I’m not sure if it was just me growing old[er] or just the busy -ness @ work that took away all that holiday magic for me. We had several night releases both on the pre-Christmas and pre-New Year, imagine having a release all the way till Dec 30. I guess I am just so not used to working on the Christmas season as it has always been the biggest holiday break in the Philippines, and that’s what I got used to.

Anyway, I learned quite a bit about Hanukkah this year, we had several colleagues who are Jewish and we went with "multi-cultural" decorations for the office. I still don’t understand how religion is just considered culture, maybe someday I’ll understand what that means.

I never thought I would ever have to worry about political correctness before wishing people good cheer. What has the world come to? I still don’t get it. At this day and age, I think even the Catholic church has finally realized that different religions have somewhat overlapping doctrines and that we all have the same beliefs — well, more or less. 

Anyway, enough of all that, I just wish everyone a joyful, peaceful and prosperous new year ahead! And I am hoping to keep in touch this year, hopefully more postings from everyone’s blogs to keep far friends and family updated. I don’t want to say that it’ll be my new year’s resolution coz I don’t think I ever stuck with any resolution I made my whole life — maybe nobody has ever, but I’ll try.

Yes, time truly flies by fast. It has been a little over a month since my last blog post. I know I have said so many times that I will try not to use work as an excuse but I guess there is no other alibi I can give.

These past 3 weeks I have been sleeping at 2am consistently, a couple of days till 4am, one time at 6am, but we just released to production last weekend…so finally, my life is getting back to normal woohoo!

I just realized I am not as I was when I was 20 when I can stay long hours be it a night-out with friends or night-in studying or working. Yup, I’m getting older. It took me at least a week to recover, is it even possible to just hibernate for a full week to catch up with all the lost sleep. I just feel beat.

It seems just recently when I found out my bestfriend Rona is pregnant — and I really am happy to receive a note from her that she is already 3 months pregnant (and doing well), wow time really flies by. Just found out my dear friend Cris is pregnant too…congratulations! Hmph! Just kidding…really am happy for you guys.

Health-wise, another improvement is no matter how busy, we try to make it a point to go to the gym at least 5-6 days a week. Yeah, I know it still sound unbelievable but for health’s sake, I’m trying — well really I’m just getting dragged along coz I live with health conscious people — let’s say its a perk. Well, you only get to live once, you would want to live as long and healthy as you can.

Reminder: Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire The Movie is showing on Friday, not really excited as waiting for Book 7 but at least there’s something to look forward to.

In Memoriam:  The last of our fish has died — with no decent funeral they are all gone. No pictures even, gosh, gone just like that. They are over a year old — 4 fat goldfishes died first, each at least 2 inches already. The 2 angel fishes — at least 3 inches, died last Sunday. Just trying to write about them before they get totally forgotten.

Friday night, guess where we were? At the GYM.

After the gym, we went straight HOME to have dinner…sus di man lang kami lumabas.

After dinner, Kiko, Bobby and I had our laptops open — WORKING. How pathetic is that!? On the background was Monk, its not even new season, rerun lang.

Gosh what losers.

Okay, healthy-healthy tayo kunyari…Bobby, Kiko and I joined the gym — oo shocking I know. Maybe not really for Bob and Kiko at active naman yung dalawang yon e, but for me? This is really a huge step and commitment! Well, anyway the monthly fees were quite reasonable. The gym may not be as fancy as 24 Hour Fitness’ facilities but they have practically anything you would need, well don’t take my word for it, I’m not exactly a health buff so…well anyway, they have daily classes: kick-boxing, spinning, yoga and lots others.

I decided to give yoga a try last Tuesday, I was skeptical at first coz I tried it once, we have a DVD at home. Nakakainip sobra! I didn’t even have a mat so I used whatever was there that was used by everybody — oo nakakakilabot, so if ever you try it, bring your own mat– I don’t think it costs a lot. Anyway, the warmups were fine –  I thought ok, this is easy. When we started to move along, pahirap na ng pahirap. Sometimes I couldn’t even do it. Well what would I expect? But the instructor kept iterating that it is not a contest — you should listen to your body — naks…ok so I just did what I could but still minsan nanginginig na ako sa hirap. But afterwards? Wow ang sarap ng pakiramdam! I really felt relieved of a ton of stress…I could fall asleep right there.

For folks who do not want massages bcoz you don’t like the feeling of someone touching your body, this is a great alternative.

The stork has dropped the sweet little angel Kathleen Alyssa last September 22, 2005 1:01 am 7.4 lbs. Dada and Mom are coming home tomorrow from Sequoia Hospital in Redwood City. Kamille is spending the night at Tito Bob and Tata’s. Just wanted to share the great news with all of you…Congratulations to Dada, Mom and Ate Kamille!!!